OK... I'm almost to tears right now.. I'm just so sad... :( Last night, I dreamed of my late father.. I haven't seen him in my dreams for quite a sometime, and last night, was a shock to me. The worst part is, I dreamed of him dying! Why? What does it mean???? I'm just so sad... I even cried in my sleep.. When I woke up, my eyes were drenched with tears. My pillow was wet. I sat on my bed, and recalled the dream and start crying again. In that dream, he met with an accident. And I saw it with my own eyes! Now tell me who wouldn't cry? Ouh God.. What is it that you want to tell me.?
I called Ummi this morning... And my eyes were filled with tears all over again. I miss her.. I couldn't imagine if Ummi leaves me too.. What would happen to me.? Who will love me the way she does? Fuck these thoughts. I hate them! But I can't stop thinking about them.. I don't want Ummi to leave me.. I want her to grow old and always be there for me.. I'm paranoid aren't I? I'm just afraid of losing.. Especially the people that I love.. I'm just too scared.
Sometimes I wonder... If my father is still around, I must have been his spoiled little princess, wouldn't I? Since I'm the youngest, he must have lavished me real bad. hehe.. And my brothers and sister would have been jealous of me.. Because baba loves me more! :) And I will hug him, and kiss him, and tell him all the stories, and ask him about guys, and ask him money to go shopping, he will see me growing up, telling me that I am beautiful, wipes away my tears every time I'm hurt, and he will be there on my graduation day, patting me on the back, hugs and kisses me on the cheek, telling me how lucky he is to have me as a daughter.. How sweet will it be? And he will be the one interviewing my boyfriend ( my husband-to-be), scare the hell out of him (haha), and he will be my wali, handing and entrusting me to the man I'm gonna spend my whole life with, be the coolest grandpa to my children.. And most importantly, be the greatest father in the whole wide world to me!
I wish I could meet him again... One last time... Like, meet him in person! Like Hala Anat, my aunt did. My grandmother has passed away long time ago.. Few years after that, my aunt went to Mecca for hajj. And she said she saw my grandmother and she was hugging my aunt! Though it was just for a brief few seconds, but it means the whole world to her! I wish I could experience the same! I want to see my father in person! Though I know it's almost impossible.. But, hoping won't do any harm, would it? I only have a photo of him.. And our family photo.. Only these two photos could remind me of how he looks.. How handsome he is. How my beloved father looks like. Though my memories with him could never be tarnished, but picturing him in my mind is quite vague. And I thank God because I have his photos to remind me of him.
To all my readers, I would ask a little something from you.. Please recite Al-Fatihah for my father.. And to those who still have a father, I am happy for you. And jealous.
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Sumpah down gyle... Result terok nak mati. How am I supposed to tell my mom? She expects a lot from me. Sedih nye. I'm stupid.. I don't think I will survive law school. Law school is only for smart people. And I'm nowhere near. Sumpah down.
Really need a shoulder to cry on.. Anyone.? Anyone? Please... Anybody? :(
Right.. I'm all alone.. Stuck in this room. Talking to myself. Like you even care. Never mind.. I have promised to myself that I won't bother you.. I have troubled you enough. I'm sorry for being such nuisance all these while. Sorry..
I'll find another shoulder. The one that will never ignore.. Never leave me..